The Intelligence Shame Hides
I have struggled with needing help and I still do, where it’s the case, especially in realizing I'm not alone.
Often I have felt alone in it all.
I’ve always wondered: how do I un-alone myself?
Can I do something, ask for something which would help me feel less scared and alone in my life?
Here's what came up for me around this inquiry . . .
I avoid revealing that I need help, or that I’m lost and confused because I felt ashamed of you seeing me (?)
This inquiry provoked an old and hard memory.
Memory: being beaten continuously whilst being told I wouldn't amount to anything. This kind of beating and emotional abuse could happen over anything. For example, at the end of the first week of first grade I brought home what was called a homework sheet. A playful sheet of things for me to color in, etc. The homework sheet happened to be slightly crumpled from my school bag, and it had an ear turned up on the corner of the A4 sheet of paper. Well, this was cause enough. That sheet, having one ear turned up on the corner, was cause enough to teach me a good lesson. He thought beating me into taking care of my stuff, whilst telling me how much of a loser I would amount to be, was the answer.
I was barely 5 years old.
That day ended with bruises, a busted lip and deep levels of shock to my system, which was and forever traumatized.
From that day onward, I remember deciding to hide my mess, my needs, my fear, my stuff, my shit and more. Come hell or high water, I was going to make sure that I would, at the very least, seem like “I had it together” and like I didn't need help.
Result?
This decision became a conditioning which continued to play out as I grew into an adult woman. This conditioning is quite tricky. I don’t think I’m alone in having it. I’m quite certain anyone who was shamed or shut down, and/or not welcomed for who they are, or for how they are, likely suffers from this conditioning.
There’s a benefit to this conditioning. It allows for a fake-till-you-make-it mentality, which can really work in one’s favor. It also seems to make others feel safe around one’s competency, etc.
But, internally, for the person with this conditioning, and in this case regard me, there is a whole other set of hidden experiences happening, based in suffering.
On the inside I was managing so much.
The main management piece is the fear of being found out. For what? For faking till I make it. Along with managing so much on the inside, I, like others, was trying to make my way in the world with my purpose. Not to forget to mention being a Mom and making money, as well as being in relationship.
Because the conditioning had me so convinced of hiding myself, I would inevitably become lost and often not know how to move forward. I needed help achieving things, or understanding things, and I wouldn’t let myself be seen here because I didn’t want to seem needy or messy. I layered in social pressure of how to be a woman to my already conditioned state, which compounded me even more. Revealing it could run the risk of ridicule, loss, being ostracized and shamed.
[It somehow meant I might meet the wrath of his hand and the pain on my body again.]
For most of my life it seemed easier to hide. Until it wasn’t. Being kept safe by this conditioning was no longer serving. We had outgrown each other.
Where to go from here?
I knew I needed to welcome what was happening and be with the experience versus shunning it away.
I knew that writing about my experiences keeps me somewhat objective.
And so, I decided to do something I've not done before.
I shared my process with people I loved and cared for. My partner being my primary place of reveal. My daughter. My ex. My best friends. Other friends and so on.
From these new experiences of revealing, an amazing and unexpected breakthrough occurred.
I was able to, for the first time, make contact with a part of me which had decided she needed to believe in the shaming and that she needed to do whatever it took to never experience it again.
The more I made contact with this part of me, the more I began to see how intelligent this part of my design was.
How strategically brilliant it was of me to make this decision, and how needed it was for me to have these strategies in place for my safety and survival.
Awe came over me.
I wondered, could shame have a positive side? As the keeper of some incredibly intelligent and strategic aspects of me, it clearly needed me to believe the lie of my unworthinessshame.
It was a brave move on my end to take on the strategy 'of not seeming scared and not needing help.' This strategy was necessary in creating a type of confidence I deeply needed, given my natural state of confidence was so wounded in childhood!
Understanding the intelligence rooted in this need to exist and survive seemed both vital and innocent.
This allowed me to reframe so much shame from my childhood.
The awe of these intelligent techniques shifted me from feeling devalued into completely valuing my tenacious spirit, which simply wanted to survive safely.
What if, instead of avoiding and hiding from shame, we experienced shame as an invitation to trust the intelligent decisions we needed to make about ourselves?
And what if becoming curious about the intelligent decisions we made because of shame creates the opportunity to gain more of our wholeness?
Could you imagine being able to thank the intelligence of the decisions we made from shame because the decision relieved us from our life's pain so that we could survive, feel safe, allowed, accepted, valued, and to simply exist!
What if the decisions we made because of shame were now an invitation back to discovering the innocence of our design?
I know one thing for sure: this will be my approach. Because getting more in touch with what's “right” about this allows me to feel more in flow, more able to participate in life.
Ultimately this is what I want.
I imagine you might want the same...?
Thank you for your time today, I hope this supports you in remembering your true nature.